565 ways on "how to be okay"

I need a book like that. Directly related to dealing with change with those I love the most. The problem: I'd read the whole thing, understand it, learn from it....but I still would feel the same when the time came.

I want to be adult about this.
Grow up, Carolita.

winter

is just a reminder of the beauties of Spring.
it is not meant to be a constant living environment,
but exists as a pathway for the process of restoration.
without death, there would be no new life.

there is a reason for days

because the world rests at night.
and every morning,
we get a second chance at life.
and God, amazingly, never runs out of mercy.
but is eager for us to try living another day for Him.
He believes in me...in us.
it's kinda obvious...because He won't give up.

red

i am really mad at myself.
like, yeah.
upset.
wonderful.

the truth

life is pretty hard right now.
not gonna lie.

a rant

i can't focus today
and my head is swimming
and i don't think Jesus and I are :like this: any more.
and it's because of me.
and i can't figure it out.
and i don't understand.
and i have weird dreams that haunt me.
and creep me out.
and i don't want to sit still.
and i don't want to have to think.
because it doesn't help at all.
and i have a ton of studying to do.
and did i mention i can't focus?

this is how i feel:
like i am trying to get to this door, because I know Jesus is behind it.
and i know he'll make everything ok.
there are bushes surrounding the entire building, which i have to cross through.
and i am running through this empty field, in the dark, trying to reach the bushes...because that means the door is close. but there are these evil enemies that are shooting arrows at me. i keep running through the wave of arrows as they pierce my body. blood is dripping down from each of the many arrows sticking out of me. i finally reach the bushes and try to find a way through, but there is no opening. so i just begin pushing my way through the hedges. only, i have all these arrows sticking out of me...and they get caught on the twigs and branches. this makes the pain increase drastically. but, i am frantic to get through, so i keep wiggling and pushing and trying to reach the other side.
it doesn't work.
and i am stuck there. in the bushes. in pain and blood and leaves and darkness. and the enemies continuous screams. i try to call for Jesus. to let him know that i am almost there! and that i need help. because i can't make it on my own. but...i don't think he can hear me, because the others are yelling so loudly. and even if he did...i don't think he would come. because he gave me the right amount of time, and i messed up. that's what they're telling me, anyway. they're saying He doesn't care anymore, because i let him down. and now, i am stuck in the bushes.

the moon is pretty much mine

He saw my fear and asked
"Do you trust me to the moon and back?"
My stress dispersed
with the awakening of earth
and as night sky became brighter
I said, "I trust you farther."

joy has an enemy

i smile
but am dead inside
i am free—
yet imprisoned.
locked down
by Self.
continually, i fight your love.
hardened by these chains
of resistance,
(independence)
my heart has no more room
for another.
i cannot breathe like this
the Spirit is suffocated
by my growing walls of iron.
there is no gate
in this fortified city of Self.
no window.
no crack.
can you hear me cry?
You conquered death!
walk through my walls in your power
and destroy this hardened core.
(i don’t have three days).
please….i need you.
am i even worth saving
after all this?
[4-5-09, 11:49 AM]